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Here are a few quotables for you:

When life gives you lemons, throw 'em at the neighbor's house.
If you drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let 'em go man...they're gone.
Be careful. The light at the end of the tunnel just might be a train.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.
Sometimes life sucks, the rest of the time it blows.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have them beaten.
When life gets you down, kick it in the nuts.
If I came from a monkey how come I hate banannas?
Why isn't phonetics spelled phonetically?
How come ships carry cargo and cars carry shipments?
If computers are supposed to make life so much easier how come it takes so long to finally figure them out?